I am reading a very thought provoking book that has been suggested to me by my Therapist. It is chalked full of things I need to hear, don’t want to hear, need to face, don’t want to face, and brings up some core issues. Core issues that I never thought about before….until now. Here me out in this blog post. It is real….me. It is flawed. It is stained. It is tattered. It is beautiful. It is revealing. It is healing. It is working. It is hurting. It is helping. But most importantly….It is REVALATION to the very being of my obesity, how I got there, and the work it will take to be healthy as a WHOLE me.
The book is written by Geneen Roth and is titled “Women, Food, and God”. Although this book is amazing and I wish I could quote the whole thing here, I can’t so I will leave just a little bit of it’s wisdom here.
You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won’t discover this until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall of shaming and caging and fearing yourself. The Sufi poet Rumi, writing about birds learning to fly, wrote: “How do they learn it? They fall, and falling, they’re given wings.”
If you wait to respect yourself until you are at the weight you imagine you need to be to respect yourself, you will never respect yourself, because the message you will be giving yourself as you reach your goal is that you are damaged and cannot trust your impulses, your longings, your dreams, your essence, at any weight.
Either you are willing to believe in kindness or you aren’t. Either you are willing to believe in the basic sanity of your being or you aren’t. To be given wings, you’ve got to be willing to believe that you were put on this earth for more than your endless attempts to lose the same thirty pounds three hundred times for eighty years. And that goodness and loveliness are possible, even in something as mundane as what you put in your mouth for breakfast. Beginning now. Once you take the first few steps, once you begin treating yourself with the kindness that you believe only thin or perfect people deserve, you can’t help but discover that love didn’t abandon you after all.
Wow…..that spoke to me BIG time! I am at my goal weight and maintain well HOWEVER I fear regain everyday. Do I always do the right thing and think the right way that is needed on my part to keep it at bay? No. Do I engage in self-sabatoging actions that could very well make regain a reality? Yes. I think “Well, I’ve blown it before, I know I will again, it’s just a matter of time.” I think this fear is due to all the failure that has been in my life from failing diets, failing relationships, failing friendships, and a failed union between my parents. I am learning and finding that my past is what is fueling these thoughts and feelings. My therapist and I are starting to work on family origin stuff and getting down to what is at the root of my Obesity and boy is it messy. It is a mess I am willing to wade through and fight through because I am worth it. I verbalized somethings that I haven’t been able to….ever, and I am so glad that I did because although it brings back alot of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and hurt, I understand that, in life, you have to clear the brush to be able to see the beautiful landscape. So, let the weed whacking begin! I must understand that I am NOT nor will I ever be a failure, even if things, people, and situations have failed me in the past that does not define who I am today. I will not fail my family, I will not fail my husband, I will not fail my union, I will not fail my children, I will not fail my friendships, I will not fail my parents, I will not fail my tool, I will not fail at my tasks, I will not fail at my growth, I will not fail when saying no to the Doughnut in the cabinet that stares at me every morning in the coffee shop, I will not fail at having an Oreo ban in my house.
Each day is so richly filled with new beginnings and new opportunities. The only thing I am failing to do is give into failure itself. It is so rewarding to me when I swing on a tire swing with my daughter while my husband pushes us around and around so fast we can’t stop laughing and are so dizzy we fall when getting off. Or when my husband comes to me and is so real and open and raw with me on some issues and it finally “makes sense” and gives us a grounds to work and make it better. Or when my friends call me and share so many struggles and victories in their life and I am able to offer them encouragement. Or the fact that I cheer my mom and her weight-loss on…I’m her #1 cheerleader! 😉 Or the fact that I try to make sure that everything that touches my lips is pouchworthy and since doing that for the most part got a great report at my 2 yr. post op appointment, some vitamins and minerals were HIGH meaning I am absorbing all of my supplements (that I am anal about taking on.the.clock) and that my choices in food and excercise are wise. Or the fact that I have been asked to be the Patient Advisor for the my WLS Center and have done some marketing for them that landed me some pretty cool billboards, brochures for the center and posters for educational purposes. Or the fact that I verbally OUTLOUD talk to the Doughnuts and Oreos and let them know that they make me feel awful inside and out, the high I get from them is sucky and that I cannot have them in my life, they are toxic to me and my health. I have control over the way I deal with every outcome in my life. I can choose to be toxic (which I have in the past) or I can choose to be wise and approach myself with kindness, love, and tenderness. I am focusing from here on out to chose the latter of the two, THAT is what is going to bring me the optimal results I so want in life.