Weight Lost, Hope Gained…by Emily

Sharing the Hope found after WLS!

Learning to Fly January 30, 2011

Filed under: Inspiration — Weight Lost Hope Gained @ 8:18 PM

I am reading a very thought provoking book that has been suggested to me by my Therapist. It is chalked full of things I need to hear, don’t want to hear, need to face, don’t want to face, and brings up some core issues. Core issues that I never thought about before….until now. Here me out in this blog post. It is real….me. It is flawed. It is stained. It is tattered. It is beautiful. It is revealing. It is healing. It is working. It is hurting. It is helping. But most importantly….It is REVALATION to the very being of my obesity, how I got there, and the work it will take to be healthy as a WHOLE me.

The book is written by Geneen Roth and is titled “Women, Food, and God”. Although this book is amazing and I wish I could quote the whole thing here, I can’t so I will leave just a little bit of it’s wisdom here.

You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won’t discover this until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall of shaming and caging and fearing yourself. The Sufi poet Rumi, writing about birds learning to fly, wrote: “How do they learn it? They fall, and falling, they’re given wings.”

If you wait to respect yourself until you are at the weight you imagine you need to be to respect yourself, you will never respect yourself, because the message you will be giving yourself as you reach your goal is that you are damaged and cannot trust your impulses, your longings, your dreams, your essence, at any weight.
Either you are willing to believe in kindness or you aren’t. Either you are willing to believe in the basic sanity of your being or you aren’t. To be given wings, you’ve got to be willing to believe that you were put on this earth for more than your endless attempts to lose the same thirty pounds three hundred times for eighty years. And that goodness and loveliness are possible, even in something as mundane as what you put in your mouth for breakfast. Beginning now. Once you take the first few steps, once you begin treating yourself with the kindness that you believe only thin or perfect people deserve, you can’t help but discover that love didn’t abandon you after all.

Wow…..that spoke to me BIG time! I am at my goal weight and maintain well HOWEVER I fear regain everyday. Do I always do the right thing and think the right way that is needed on my part to keep it at bay? No. Do I engage in self-sabatoging actions that could very well make regain a reality? Yes. I think “Well, I’ve blown it before, I know I will again, it’s just a matter of time.” I think this fear is due to all the failure that has been in my life from failing diets, failing relationships, failing friendships, and a failed union between my parents. I am learning and finding that my past is what is fueling these thoughts and feelings. My therapist and I are starting to work on family origin stuff and getting down to what is at the root of my Obesity and boy is it messy. It is a mess I am willing to wade through and fight through because I am worth it. I verbalized somethings that I haven’t been able to….ever, and I am so glad that I did because although it brings back alot of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and hurt, I understand that, in life, you have to clear the brush to be able to see the beautiful landscape. So, let the weed whacking begin! I must understand that I am NOT nor will I ever be a failure, even if things, people, and situations have failed me in the past that does not define who I am today. I will not fail my family, I will not fail my husband, I will not fail my union, I will not fail my children, I will not fail my friendships, I will not fail my parents, I will not fail my tool, I will not fail at my tasks, I will not fail at my growth, I will not fail when saying no to the Doughnut in the cabinet that stares at me every morning in the coffee shop, I will not fail at having an Oreo ban in my house.

Each day is so richly filled with new beginnings and new opportunities. The only thing I am failing to do is give into failure itself. It is so rewarding to me when I swing on a tire swing with my daughter while my husband pushes us around and around so fast we can’t stop laughing and are so dizzy we fall when getting off. Or when my husband comes to me and is so real and open and raw with me on some issues and it finally “makes sense” and gives us a grounds to work and make it better. Or when my friends call me and share so many struggles and victories in their life and I am able to offer them encouragement. Or the fact that I cheer my mom and her weight-loss on…I’m her #1 cheerleader! 😉 Or the fact that I try to make sure that everything that touches my lips is pouchworthy and since doing that for the most part got a great report at my 2 yr. post op appointment, some vitamins and minerals were HIGH meaning I am absorbing all of my supplements (that I am anal about taking on.the.clock) and that my choices in food and excercise are wise. Or the fact that I have been asked to be the Patient Advisor for the my WLS Center and have done some marketing for them that landed me some pretty cool billboards, brochures for the center and posters for educational purposes. Or the fact that I verbally OUTLOUD talk to the Doughnuts and Oreos and let them know that they make me feel awful inside and out, the high I get from them is sucky and that I cannot have them in my life, they are toxic to me and my health. I have control over the way I deal with every outcome in my life. I can choose to be toxic (which I have in the past) or I can choose to be wise and approach myself with kindness, love, and tenderness. I am focusing from here on out to chose the latter of the two, THAT is what is going to bring me the optimal results I so want in life.

Finish Well,

Emily

 

Life is a Chemical Peel. January 1, 2011

Filed under: Inspiration — Weight Lost Hope Gained @ 10:41 PM

Ok, so I have a dear friend that is getting ready for her big day. She is tying the knot! So in preparation for her big day the girl has priorities and first and foremost is to look her very best for her man, family, and friends. This involves so many things from getting the hair done, nails done, tanning, working out, and….a chemical peel on her face and neck. If you have never seen someone who has had this done or have had it done yourself it is not flattering, very painful, and embarrassing; I mean it is basically rubbing acid on your face and in 2-3 days after that the top layer (or two, or three) sluffs off your face. Until that happens you truly look like a burn victim with blisters on your face and it is anything but flattering. My friend knows that in due time she will get the result she wants but for the time being it is painful, ugly, and embarrassing to her. I think of this chemical peel and I think of how it can relate to life in so many ways.

I think of the way people look at her and define her by what they see when she walks down the street. I think of the fact that she feels embarrassed as people look at her like she is a monster. I think of things people have said to her about it and not all has been good. I think of how she feels about all of this knowing that she did it for such a happy moment in her life yet it is being defined as something so horrible and ugly.

I think of this Chemical Peel as Life, yes Life. Life brings us beautiful things, people, events, and moments that DO define us and what we want to be. Life is beautiful and so many of our friends, family, and opportunities make it a beautiful place to be. I know for me so many of Life’s moments have made me wish that time would stand still so I could stay in the moment forever. I know so many of Life’s moments have humbled me, shaped me, and made me just WHO I am today. So many of Life’s moments make me stronger, make me yurn for more of me “finding my way”, and becoming better at acceptance of things that I have a hard time believing I deserve. Life’s moments have taught and are still teaching me that in hard times, it IS still beautiful. The “Junk” of life can be beautiful, if you accessorize it properly! 😉

Life also brings with it a lot of pain, negativity, judgement, sabotage, and feelings of uselessness. Life has brought me so much of this things. People, things, and circumstances have brought a lot of pain and suffering to me and at times I was wondering if there was ever a way out or if I was just to suck it up and accept the fact that it was there to define who I was. A lot of these things, thoughts, and feelings were brought on by my weight of course because we all know that, that is how the world defines us. They see us and automatically threat us like we are monsters and not worthy to even share space with them in the same room. I’m not saying that since surgery I have been “cured” of all of this because I haven’t and won’t ever be this side of Heaven. Some of it is still there, I have negative thoughts about regain and have to really focus on not letting my brain run a-muck with thoughts of “Yep, that’s gonna be you, the honeymoon is over Darling!”. I also struggle with believing my story. I struggle with believing I can inspire and encourage somebody. These are things I have to work through and I am determined to NOT let them define me and who I am!

So the Chemical Peel of Life as I see it is like this.

The layer that is most outside layer (first) may “define” me in some people’s eyes but I know in my heart that is doesn’t always (unless you are one of my really good friends and knows me well; y’all know who you are! 😉 ). I know the outer most layer is not always pretty, happy, and/or appealing to others but to me it is all of these things. The outer layer may be misconstrued as that I have it *all* together when really, I’m just a big ‘ol mess too. Always a work in progress, but a work that I will labor hard for and fight for till the end because I am worth it!

The “second” layer”, I would define as my thoughts and feelings. These are personal and sometimes private. You can’t see them or know about them if I don’t share. These can be positive and I try my darndest to make sure they are but that’s not always the case because I am real. Real Human. When the negative thoughts try to invade my space is when I really press into my support system and this blog. Remember….our outlook, thoughts, and feelings WILL define us and how we cope with relationships, people, and circumstances. It’s ok to have thoughts of sadness, anger, and self-doubt but it is how we cope with those feelings that will see us through. I was watching some You Tube videos’ the other day on Positive Psychology and it was stated that when we enter into ANYTHING in life wether it be work, situations, relationships, etc. with happy thoughts we are 70% more likely to succeed at our tasks at hand! I am really meditating on this one because I get the fact that, sometimes it is hard and easier said than done BUT it can be done because I CHOOSE how things affect me. I choose how to handle the thoughts when they arise with encouragement, support, and inspiration from so many of you all!

The “third” layer, I would have to say are my actions. I am choosing to make my actions count, not just in my life but in the lives of others. I want my actions to never be in vain and useless. My actions will only count and be worthy of existing when I approach them with a happy thoughts and feelings towards myself, others, and situations I am involved in. Once again…..W-O-R-K I-N P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S!!

So, for what it’s worth that is how I look at my life and what I want to be, need to be, and need to learn from. Life is beautiful but will still have challenges, but with it’s layers and how I approach them, I will soar with the eagles. No matter how I am viewed by some, I know I am beautiful inside and out. My thoughts and feelings will try and be positive so that my actions are credible and helpful for myself and others. Stay Positive My Friends! 😉

Happy New Year to all of you!!

Finish Well,

Em