So yesterday I went and discussed “life” with Valette (my therapist) just as I do every Monday. She brings so much light to situations in my life and thank goodness because things just pass me by sometimes and I just assume that I have to accept things, people, situations, and decisions that are made by me and others. I am finding I have been so “external” with somethings in my life, meaning just staying on the outside of my life and not opening that door and walking on in and sitting down with myself and try to make sense of things, being internal, (just as I do with Valette every Monday). I swear I have ADHD in all areas of my life. It is so easy for me to be focused on a task at hand and the littlest thing will get my attention and off I go wandering around in LaLa Land and before I know it, I have so many things going on that I can’t possibly focus and DO. THE. RIGHT. THING for myself and the situation. I really think this is where all the “assumptions” in my life have come from. I just assume that I was overweight because I gained 70 pounds with my first pregnancy. I just assume my husband knows I love him..why? because I tell him, I don’t have to show him all the time. I just assume that if someone makes a snide comment to me or about me that, that is just the way it is, I can’t control their actions or speech (which is true BUT). I just assume that I can eat around my tool some days and that I will pick back up tomorrow, and tomorrow sometimes doesn’t come. I just assume that I am the only one with these issues and that saying anything about them is “my business” and shouldn’t be shared because nobody cares and let’s face it I am NOT here to Debbie Downer, that is not what my journey is about so…..
We all know the saying “You know what ASSUME spells right?” Makes an ASS out of U and ME I can no longer ASSUME my life away. I have got to slow down, take a deep breath, think about things, and take it all in.
I will no longer assume that my weight was just from the 70 pounds gained during pregnancy and accept the fact that I am a food addict, that I have been through some tough stuff in my past, and that it was not always about me lacking “willpower”.
I will no longer assume that my husband knows I love him because I tell him, I will accept that I need to show him in actions that he is my life and that I so appreciate him everyday and all he does for me and the family. I will accept that he has loved me with everything in him, even when I didn’t love me at all and that he deserves that same love and affection from me that he so generously gave and gave and still gives and gives.
I will no longer assume that people actions and words towards me are “just the way it is” I will accept that I have the power to let it affect me negatively or positively and most importantly the fact that people (family or not) have to earn a spot in my life, they don’t just have a right to be there. If they are affecting me in a negative way, they must go, I must separate myself from them and situations. This is one of the hardest things I will have to do but I know it is crucial to my well being and if you have heard me say it once, you have heard it a million times……I AM WORTH IT!! This can also go for my food addiction, it will always “be around” but it will not overtake me, my success, my thoughts, my actions, and my feelings of myself. It will always be a part of me just like old relationships but it will not consume me. It is negative in the way it makes me think and feel therefore I must separate myself from it and situations that could let it try and rear it’s ugly head again.
I will no longer assume that I can eat around my tool until “tomorrow”. I will accept that my actions will determine how well my tool works and how well I work with my tool. I will accept that in order to continue to reap the wonderful benefits of this life I have been given after surgery, it is going to take work on my part. Other people and my tool can’t do it all for me, they help, but ultimately it is up to ME to get the job done at the end of the day.
I will no longer assume that I am Debbie Downer and the only one with these problems. I will accept that I am surrounded by food addicts just like myself that need to hear what I have to say and vice versa. Without it We/I will not succeed. I will accept that they appreciate me, for me, as I do them. We are all in this together and as long as I scream out loud (in my head) no one can hear me. But when I choose to scream out loud (on here, therapy, Facebook, Support Group, etc.) then and only then will I move closer to where I want to be and I know that I will be doing this life with the best friends that are stained and flawed just like me. And that to me is BEAUTIFUL!!!
So I am writing this for some accountability to myself and others. I can’t work on it if I don’t verablize it, so here it is! I will work on slowing down, showing affection where affection is due, accepting that I cannot change the world, and keep that addiction locked up in the cage, right where it needs to stay.